Who will put an end to this great sadness?

Mon, 28 Dec 2009 22:04:14 GMT

I'm in my new place. I love it. Its a bitch to heat and I'm nervous about my first gas bill but during the summer I doubt I'll have much to pay out for electric or gas.
My living room looks bare, its so huge and it doesn't have enough furniture in it but there will be more in a few days when we finish moving Jason in. I wish all this would have been taken care of earlier so I didn't have to deal with moving when there is snow and ice on the ground but at least most of it is taken care of.
I want to finish the house, like painting and minor repairs but every time I bring up something Jason shoots it down saying we have to wait for spring which ticks me off. He's probably right but still I don't like not getting my way, though I shouldn't knock the guy, he did get under the house to run wire this weekend and I really hope he doesn't get sick.
The best thing is I have my kitties. Pepperjack Cheese who likes to hide behind the couch but rolls around like a puppy when you pet him and Muffin who will come up to me and snuggle until she decides its time to eat my hand. Come spring I'm going to get a puppy but right now I don't want to have to house train a puppy when its below freezing outside.
The bad thing is I'm reaching that point in my relationship with Jason that I want to push him away from me because I'm convinced he's eventually going to hurt me or leave me. Which is stupid. Especially with him because not only is he eager to move in with me but he keeps talking about future stuff. Like stuff to do to the house which wouldn't be in his possession if we broke up. He even wants to pay off the house along with his car whenever he gets his settlement. Its sweet but I feel like he keeps throwing commitments at me that we're eventually going to regret. I think a lot of it is I don't feel like I deserve him. He's a lot better looking than me, he's a hard worker, he can fix almost anything around the house, he doesn't usually get frustrated with my moods... I could go on. The only thing that bothers me about him is we have different morals, he's a good guy for the most part but there are somethings we disagree on. The bottom line is I really don't feel like I deserve him and I worry that the only reason he's really interested in me for is my stability.
It bothers me that he seems to love me so much and it bothers me that his family has accepted me so readily like we've been together for a lot longer. My mom even seems to be into our relationship. I thinks its because the first time I talked to her after Jason and I got together she said I sounded so happy, maybe she thinks he's good for me. He probably is.

Fucking Adorable

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 16:55:39 GMT

Being homeless is losing its novelty. At least until I get that antsy run-away feeling. Its been nagging me lately and I think its affecting how I act towards Jason. I feel bad for... but then I usually feel bad for those in my web.
Leigh is going to be moving soon so I'll lose my place close to work. I was hoping to get all this settled before she moved in with Tom but I its really getting down to the wire now. I'm probably going to end up staying at Jason's until I close. Next week won't be that big of a deal because I'll spend most of it at his house anyway being holidays and therefore no work, the week after might be slow on work to so it might not be as bad as I'm thinking.
The only good thing with everything taking so long is now I won't be in overtime and I'll be able to focus a lot of attention on nesting.
I'm still worried that I haven't had my period yet. It wouldn't bother me normally, I've never been regular but I feel so out of wack with my body lately and my blood pressure is really fucked. I took the test but that doesn't negate how stupid I've been with the lack of condom thing.
*sigh*
I'm tired of my life being on hold. Hopefully next week will give me the results I need to move on.

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 02:07:57 GMT

At times I think should I discover that I am really a robot... I wouldn't be too surprised.

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 02:47:42 GMT

At Jason's until I go back to work tomorrow.
Watched him get drunk last night.. not as drunk as I was last weekend though. He's an "I love you" drunk and its adorable.
I love listening to sad country music with him in his old beat up pick up.
He says aint too much and its delightful.

I believe I'm getting an ulcer.
Fucking banks.
I want to live in Alma.

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 22:07:52 GMT

He calms me.
I'm not entirely sure how he does it and granted he's never seen me at my worst but he calms me. He seems to know when I need him to joke with me or give me encouragement.
On the other hand I spazzed out all day while thinking only of waiting for his phone call so I could find my center once again.

I'm having difficulty with this moving stuff. I really don't know what I'm doing. I have so much crap I don't know how to get it from one place to the next and I'm just so caught up in it that I don't know what to do.
Jason says to wait for him to get here tomorrow so he can help me sort through it all.

I think underneath all my anxiety associated with the moving I'm worried about him finally coming over to my place, like I'm letting him inside a part of me that I haven't let him see yet and I'm afraid he'll turn away.
I have so much fear of him leaving me its pathetic and I know it but I can't help it. I don't think I felt this way with anyone else. Afraid yes, of course, I'm too dependent to even try to play it any other way. But this fear feels like its leeching into my very soul. With Ethan the pain came more after he pulled away and maybe that's part of it, just too many past hurts that I'm forcing myself to feel bits and pieces of the pain now so I don't have to be overwhelmed later.
There is this one house we both saw online that is really nice, really cheap and really big. Logically there has to be something wrong with this house but we talked about how much I like the look of it but that it was just too much space and he keeps telling me he could make me pop out some kids to fill it. I laugh, he laughs, but I love that he likes the idea of me being that in his life. I want to cuddle him desperately but I have to wait until tomorrow when he gets off work and comes to see me. He should be out here around 6 and I just pray I have my house presentable by that time. I don't want him to see what depression has made me live in for the past couple years.

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 12:47:51 GMT

I have no reason, no reason whatsoever other than in condemnation for other's deeds. Even knowing this, knowing the logic of how difficult or anything really. My ability to trust is so shaken. Odd that I didn't have this feeling of absolute fear (fear yes, but to this degree, no) with any dom but then that was physical trust, this is emotional. I can handle something bad happening to my body, I've done bad enough to myself to make that point somewhat mute, but I really don't know how I could survive more heart ache.
Why does my heart break before its time?
Is it just intuition and paranoia that drives me to start the process early so when the real hurt comes it won't be as bad?
Of course.
Why do I question my motives when they're so painfully obvious...
I try to blank my mind and not think about or at least not show my discomfort. Like I said, he's done nothing to deserve this distrust but be with me. But I just want to enjoy myself, enjoy him and the times we have.
My hope is that overtime (see my optimism with my belief there is an overtime, I can have pleasant thoughts) I will get over this fear. I just need someone who is patient... or pitifully oblivious ^_^... either way works I suppose.
Until then he is sweet and being with him has done a lot of good for my social anxiety. We are going to a party tonight that my friends are throwing and this will be the real test. Its easy being on his arm or sometimes tagging along with someone else but I have to be the one to make introductions and guide him. I'm nervous.. I hope the nervousness doesn't get the better of me. I think I'll survive it. I just hope he has fun and likes my peeps and vice versa. I hope he has fun. I hope I have fun too.

old and new

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 02:32:58 GMT

I got bored today and started cruising around on myspace looking up old friends, old enemies, the boy I used to have a crush on who I still somehow find dreamy in that way that takes you back to a time in your life when everything was somehow so much simpler but so much harder as well. Maybe it's my impending trip back home or my new honey taking me with him while he rediscovered his past but I felt somehow nostalgic. Its not like this is the first time I've done it but I think its the first time I've really looked at the life I left behind. I've fallen back and forth between regretting my decision to uproot myself over and over again but mostly I've been content with my choice. Even now when things are probably the highest they've been for me in a long while I still wonder. I think about the people and how five years could have affected relationships and me in general. How my emotional and psychological problems would have evolved. Would it have been easier? I would have had more time for therapy. I wouldn't have been through the heaven and hell Michael and I went through. Would my staying have affected the lives I'm looking at now? Being perpetually convinced of my absolute uselessness on the world around me would I have been able to change lives? Probably, but mostly just in the sense that things would have had to be different to work around my being there, not because of any real consistant quality of my existence.

Enough of that...

I know I'm pathetic in this but I'm so happy I smile and I really don't care that the only reason is because I met a new boy. His name is Jason. He's gigantically tall and unpleasantly skinnier than me, he does little things that light up my day, he sweats a lot, is bad with money though he does try really hard not to be, loves to cuddle and play, has actually called himself a wigger, has taught me the meaning of the words making love, has abondment issues like me so I almost feel safe. He also has a temper I have yet to have seen which worries me. Not that I'm worried he'd take it out on me but the novelty of bailing someone out of jail after a drunken bar fight wears off fast.
I want to marry him and have his babies. Stupidly I think he feels the same way because neither one of us seems to care too much about condoms at the moment. But fuck its hard to find a desire when boy keeps breaking them anyway. o.O Don't worry, next stop the pill...
Its going to hurt so bad when he breaks my heart but fuck is it going to a hell of a ride there.

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 01:30:09 GMT

There is that moment, that stopping of the heart, when breath escapes and for just that moment you live, you breath, you exist only because of and for that one, that other, the other half. Then breath comes back, quickly, unforgiving and with desperation on its heels because you feel that other half slip away and you cling fervently trying to regain some control, force it to fit, trim the edges and smooth it out because it has to fit, this time, dear god, if there is a god let it fit. You know the consequences if it doesn't. The wrenching and the pain and if possible worse than the pain the fear that leaves you cowering in a dark closet while the monsters stalk outside the door waiting for their chance to reach in and tear you to pieces again and again just like they have in the past, just like you know they will now and forever more.

I feel like I'm cheating on my blog...

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 21:40:10 GMT

I feel broken inside. I know, I know... like thats new. I'm wondering how many times I can fix myself before I just give up, because I can't find the will to care right now.
I'm like the mouse they shock who just wants a little nibble of cheese. One day maybe I'll learn.

I'm done with Ethan, its just not worth it to try anymore.
I'm pissed at Wes because he hasn't talked to me in a week. I'm tired of feeling like the only thing between us is really hot sex when I want more and he says he wants more. So now I don't want more.

Oddly not caring about everyone else makes me feel like I have more purpose in other areas of my life.

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 00:43:27 GMT

I'm so excited. I had to go shopping today for random clothing articles and when it came time to check out the lady was all "would you like to apply for a card, you get $25 off just for applying and 15% if you are approved" so I figured what the hell, I'm sure it wont go through but 25 bucks is 25 bucks. And I was approved! I haven't been approved for anything since.... a long ass mother fucking time.
*happy dance*
This means my credit is actually going in the right direction.
The sad thing is that this retail credit card has a higher limit than my generic credit card :P
Don't care
*more happy dance*

Anyway, aside from that I'm horribly depressed, been drinking way too much and started smoking again due to stress.

Yay card!

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 16:20:38 GMT

I'm currently on way too much coffee and kahlua.
I have this insane desire to get drunk until I black out.
I think I'm depressed.
Also my landlord is home and I don't want to leave the house.
Not that I ever really want to leave the house.

I think I had a dream about dying.
I wonder sometimes if I wish I were dead.

I haven't really slept in like three days. Maybe longer, I forget what day it is. I wish is was tuesday because that's the only day it doesn't feel like today.
I lay down and all the lights shut off in my brain but I wake up even more tired than when I laid down and I can't fall back asleep.
I'm so tired.

I want to be back at Wes' house. In the private little world he created in his bed, surrounded by black curtains and darkness outside them, and cold. I like curling up beside him and the fact that he loves to cuddle me after he chokes and fucks the shit out of me. I like my head on his shoulder and running my hand over his chest and stomach while my other hand is uncomfortably underneath me and between us because I don't know where else to put it. I like the way my head moves with his chest while he breathes and my forehead gets brushed by his beard, and the way his breath is hot on my face when he breathes out. He feels alive and so very real. I like the way he randomly kisses whatever part of my face is closest to his mouth and the way his hand feels on my shoulder while he holds me; the way he rolls onto his side and holds me tighter.
I like joking with him after he does violent things to my body that will leave bruises for a week after. I like how he tells me what he bought at the store or other little things that have no relevance to anything but are like little windows into his world.
I don't like the way Ethan pops into my head at random moments.

I want to get drunk.

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 00:07:52 GMT

I want to trust Wes. I think he's looking for something more 24/7 than I'm willing to offer. I don't like how he pushes my limits. In some ways I do, over the stupid things that I'm just self-conscious about, but still it bothers me that it seems like he have very little regard for my apprehensions. Then again, he is a Dom and I know he's not cruel, at least that's how he acts half the time.
I guess my solution for him is to have really hot sex until we decide we're better off friends.

I was planning a trip to one of the river boat casinos with a few girls from work. Our excuse was my birthday. With all the work shortage I don't see any of us doing any planning. It's disappointing. I wanted to actually do something so celebrate the fact that I've managed to not die in 23 years. I want to tell Wes about this disappointment but I don't want him to know about my birthday or the fact that it matters to me because one of two things will happen. A, he will do something sweet to make me happy and I'll feel like I forced it on him simply by telling him about it and acting pitiful and I won't be able to enjoy myself like I should. B, he won't do anything because he doesn't have the time, doesn't care, ect, and I'll be even more depressed than when I started. So what will I do? Option C, where I tell him after the fact because I can't keep my fucking mouth shut and I want the world to decide its time to do something nice for me.

I need to not care. I need to put my repression hat on again and just not give a damn about anything again.

I need new icons

Sat, 23 May 2009 02:14:28 GMT

I don't exist.
Why does it always come back to this?
People speak around me but the words, the don't even pass through me as if I wasn't there they completely avoid the space that no longer exists as long as I occupy it. But that doesn't make sense. If I occupy the space then I must have mass to take up that space to make it not exist. But that's wrong. My non-existence only exists in my non existent mind so therefore the space isn't even there it just likes to mock me. Like its saying hey, I'm here, come occupy me and be real but then I get there and its not even there. It lies. They all lie. I lie. Non of it is real.
The cars won't stop.
Should I try?
The outcome being positive either way. They stop, proving my existence unless they too don't exist and if thats the case I'm just screw.. I'm already screwed so I guess it doesn't matter. B, they go, thus proving my non-existence. Even if they hit me we are just thrown back into screwed land where it doesn't matter anyway. And if they keep on going I will cease to exist as I have proved my non-existence.
If a non-existent notices my non-existence then by there being two is that like two negatives make a positive. By seeing through our mutual non-existence do we then exist by believing in the existence of another.
Pfft.
That doesn't even make sense. Only in the screwed B scenario do we find that possible.

I think Ethan wants to tell me he loves me again.
Wes is moving to third shift so it will be harder to see him.
Michael won't leave my head alone.
I think this has been the jist of my life since Ethan and Wes moved into it...
Fuck.

Sat, 16 May 2009 20:41:08 GMT

I'm bored... so bored.
I usually enjoy work shortage more than this but eh, I'm just bored.

Maybe I just want Wes to call me up and ask me to hang out this weekend... of course I could do the same thing, but will I? no (I don't think he gets that about me.)
He hasn't called me since like sunday or monday, we talk online but he hasn't actually called me. I'm having trouble reading him, maybe I'm just too used to really insecure guys who need contact like I do. Maybe he just feels like he doesn't have to now that he knows I'll have sex with him. He strikes me as the type of guy who would tell me if something was wrong. He's very blunt. I mean I know he works like crazy and he really did feel bad for last weekend. I think I'm just making too much out of it.

I told michael to ask me again when he has a job. But we did go out to see the new wolverine movie. I thought being around him would make me want to touch him. I did, but more in that friends way that people who are really comfortable with each other do. I came home feeling lonely though. I'm thinking about cleaning up and inviting him over to watch the newest RvB sometime.

I'm planning on joining a gym. Lets face it, I need something to get me out of the house everyday otherwise I'll do nothing but watch hulu and play video games all day long and I'm already bored of it :P

Wed, 13 May 2009 01:35:35 GMT

So I got a call from Michael today. (not from wes... *sadface* not like I called him either)
He wants a couch to sleep on.
I don't know what I'm going to do.

WTF???

Tue, 12 May 2009 01:28:59 GMT

*grabs electricity and holds on for dear life* I have missed you so...
Ok.. I live in Illinois, I just got used to the idea of being swept up in a tornado while some freak on a broom laughs at me, I shouldn't have to deal with a fucking hurricane. I mean really what the fuck is up with that? A land hurricane.
Fuck you hurricane!

So there are all these downed powerlines, trees snapped in half, roofs torn up and its just a mess. Looks a lot better than friday and at least I've got my power, my precious *creepy glare*
And then we get like almost no coverage on the news, barely a freaking blip. Storm devistates the midwest but lets focus on the fires in cali or the dying people in virginia... life is so unfair.

Ok, so I have stuff to write but I don't feel much like it so I'll get to it later.
yay power *squee*

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 12:42:02 GMT

So Sunday night I get an IM from Michael. It had been a while since I'd talked to him. I guess him and Sam didn't work out, she wasn't mature enough for him... right. How sad she must be. Anyway, he starts in on his usual line when he's single talking about how he's been thinking about all the things he'd done wrong when we were together. Sucks for him because he's been thinking about that almost since we broke up. I mentioned that I'd been thinking of it too and the things I'd done wrong. He asked me if I wanted to rekindle what we once had. I surprised me how much I wanted to say yes. Maybe that's wrong, maybe it was more how easy it would have been to say yes. I miss him, obviously. I miss waking up and having him still asleep beside me and curling up against him with my head on his chest. I miss holding his hand. I miss the way he would touch me when I wanted to be touched. I miss laughing with him about random shit. I said no. I have too much drama to deal with to add Michael to the mix. I still want to call him up and say yes.
Maybe its that he's the only person I've ever met who just accepted me. Throughout all my shit and all our problems he didn't make me feel like I wasn't good enough. Usually, I mean come on, all those years but still.

Last night was the first night in two weeks I've slept without a light on. It was only mildly terrifying and I didn't have any nightmares so I'll call it a success.
Maybe that's why I want someone in my life so bad. Someone to make me feel safe.

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 00:50:52 GMT

I'm itchy.
I'm tired of being here again.
I thought about the settling but right now I feel tethered and I want to gnaw through my chains.
I could get in my car and just go, go far away. Anywhere.
Away from this house that still screams at me with all its memories.
Away from stupid canadians who remind me of who and what I am.
Even my job is bothersome. I could have taken tomorrow off, should have but the money is too important. I can't just jump ship, I'll regret it later. Save, do it right.... I hate doing the right thing. I want to be bad; bad bad girl.

Maybe its just from the massive amounts of repression I'm forcing upon myself to deal with my realities.
I feel like the siren calling sailors to their doomy doom. But instead of them dying they lose course and ram their ship into me.
hmm..
fuck.... fuckfuckfuck
my head hasn't stopped pounding for the past few days.
I want relief.

I was drinking all weekend. Out with the work crew and linda's husband peg's friend. I bought a wooden cow (at a winery! hello southern illinois :P) and a bottle of this oh my gosh amazing wine.
Maybe its my thoughts of settling here that are making me so itchy. I mean, a house here wouldn't cost too much and it would be a good investment... i fucking hate paying rent. I also have friends, sort of. And a good job. My anxieties and depression have even been better all things considered. I just wish I could find some motivation.
But can I really see myself here for the next few years?
no
but I've said that before. always something comes up.

I don't want to talk to anyone right now...
now I feel whiney...
damnit!

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 00:27:35 GMT

When was the last time I felt this absolutely out of sorts?
I could probably comb through this journal and figure it out and be dissapointed by the results but I'm going to forgo that.
I wanted so badly to not do the work thing today, how long has it been since I've felt this way?

I have just been informed that I make you feel lame... but its not my fault.
Yes please explain it to me.
no, its fucking crap
you aren't the first person to tell me this. why the hell do I even exist if only as some counter point to someone actually doing good.
I try to be a good fucking person, I'm trying really hard right now to not be passive aggressive.
what the fuck is so wrong with me??
is this why no one wants to be around me?
is this why no one can love me?
fuck it, I'm getting tequilla

maybe I am an alcoholic

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 23:20:02 GMT

I'm depressed, drinking and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I'm hoping the alcohol will keep the first and third at bay but I think it will only exacerbate the problem when I finally face up to my demons.

I don't want to think about it. I can't. I didn't happen. I didn't happen that way. It isn't true. Really, I know. I'm just melodramatic and I make everything bigger than it is and just because I feel like it happened doesn't mean it did.

I want them all to go away.
I remember that from a song but I can't remember the song.
Probably for the best.

Months later it shouldn't be harder than it was then. Its not fair, the longer I have to deal with it the easier it should be.

I want to cut until I have no more blood.
Fuck I haven't had the desire to kill myself since I was 17.
(To anyone reading this I'm not going to I just feel like it)

So I'll have another beer and pretend everything is fine. Or five.

I'm putting on a show, please take a seat, don't mind the gore and enjoy

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 03:02:01 GMT

As it is spring, work has been crazy. Leave it to my brilliant superiors to find extra jobs when our current job and sister job are both overflowing while we are still short all the people who have quit over the past 3 years without a single new hire so that we can work 10 hour days, still be sadly past deadline and then not let me work an extra 2 hours because I will be tired....
I love overtime. I'm greedy and need the money (well not need so much anymore now that I have my car but really want because my savings account is pitiful).
It will be over by april and I want to get as much in as I can. I still don't know what I'm going to do. Move back west? Move farther south? Just jump houses?

I feel caged and wander lust, the burning need to empty my bank account and flee to somewhere new, a new adventure, something new.
Just when I've acclimated, just when I don't feel sick looking at everything around me I want to start all over again? How is that in the best interest of my sanity. Why do I want the things that scare me most?

I feel all jaded and sick.
Just one sentence and tortured part of me is back to screaming and crying and wanting to claw your skin off for what you did to me. I can't face it, have said it once and don't want to go back there.
I'm going to sleep, where I should have been oh so long ago.

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 02:35:24 GMT

I miss love.
I want to feel again. Blood pumping, crazed emotions, psychotic crying.
I miss love.

Can I smell your panties?

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 13:31:35 GMT

God I was wasted last night...
I don't think I've been that drunk since new years 07

I hit up this amazing mexican food spot with Peggy, Linda, and Tony.
Seafood enchiladas with shrimp, scallops and crab...
so yummy
Then 2 pitchers of margaritas between the girls. And only a couple glasses for Peggy because she was driving, then Linda kind of quite with half a pitcher to go so I ended up finishing it off.
It was so much fun and the first time I've been out with friends in a while.
But I outed myself as a pso :P
They thought it was cool and Tony (Linda's husband) decided to call me for some dirty talk while we were driving home. We both put our cells on speaker and called it a foursome. hehe

I sort of regret it but I knew if I got drunk around just them I would do something stupid.

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 05:01:21 GMT

drunk...
I am drunk
I ill regret all of what i did tomorrow
drunk...
sleep
i knew it woluld happen?
did that kmowing mAK e itr happen
seep

happy car - rug = me flat on my ass

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 17:50:51 GMT

So come to find out the dealer lied to me about the car (its a classic, not a malibu, big difference in design and price, also was told one owner car but nope, four owners and its an '05!) and still would not lower the price although she admitted to knowing that the car had less value than the one she was trying to make me think she was selling me, add that to all the other things she lied about and I'm so very glad I didn't sign the paperwork when I had the chance (though I think I could have made a fuss and taken the car back because the model of the car on the paperwork wasn't right).
Unfortunately that still leaves me without a car because my little kia is pouting and refuses to move.

Now I am carless. I haven't been to the store in months. This is the total amount of food I have: One can of tomato soup, three bags of popcorn, and about ten packets oatmeal... *sad face* I have had delivered pizza three times in the past week. I'm thinking about ordering some organic juice online and doing a juice fast until I get everything straightened out.

I am grateful that I have a carpool that will pick my sad butt up from home so I can still work, but I know they are gettin frustrated with me because I haven't had a car to make the trip to Mt Vernon in like a year. I hate feeling like a burden but I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself I shouldn't feel like a burden because I pay well more than my share in gas money but still.

I asked the dealer if she had any other cars that I would be interested in (I hate the idea of buying from her after all the lies but I'm desperate and the paperwork is already there) and she tells me about a car that is worth twice the amount that the first car was. I can't afford that and even if I could, for that amount of money I'd buy new not used.

Anyway the plan now is that my dad is going to buy me a car (he's a big car auction buff and all of the cars my family has owned for the last 6ish years have been from auctions) and I'm going to fly back to NV and then drive back in my car (or he will drive it up to me and fly home) and make payments to my father. While I am really grateful that my parents offered to do this for me I can't help but think, I've needed a car for a freaking year and you are just now offering??? Does that make me a bad person? I feel like it should.

Oh well, deep breaths. This hardship will pass. A year from now I will look back and laugh (I laugh now but its slightly hysterical and I feel like crying while I'm doing it).