- old and new
- August 10th, 2009
I got bored today and started cruising around on myspace looking up old friends, old enemies, the boy I used to have a crush on who I still somehow find dreamy in that way that takes you back to a time in your life when everything was somehow so much simpler but so much harder as well. Maybe it's my impending trip back home or my new honey taking me with him while he rediscovered his past but I felt somehow nostalgic. Its not like this is the first time I've done it but I think its the first time I've really looked at the life I left behind. I've fallen back and forth between regretting my decision to uproot myself over and over again but mostly I've been content with my choice. Even now when things are probably the highest they've been for me in a long while I still wonder. I think about the people and how five years could have affected relationships and me in general. How my emotional and psychological problems would have evolved. Would it have been easier? I would have had more time for therapy. I wouldn't have been through the heaven and hell Michael and I went through. Would my staying have affected the lives I'm looking at now? Being perpetually convinced of my absolute uselessness on the world around me would I have been able to change lives? Probably, but mostly just in the sense that things would have had to be different to work around my being there, not because of any real consistant quality of my existence.
Enough of that...
I know I'm pathetic in this but I'm so happy I smile and I really don't care that the only reason is because I met a new boy. His name is Jason. He's gigantically tall and unpleasantly skinnier than me, he does little things that light up my day, he sweats a lot, is bad with money though he does try really hard not to be, loves to cuddle and play, has actually called himself a wigger, has taught me the meaning of the words making love, has abondment issues like me so I almost feel safe. He also has a temper I have yet to have seen which worries me. Not that I'm worried he'd take it out on me but the novelty of bailing someone out of jail after a drunken bar fight wears off fast.
I want to marry him and have his babies. Stupidly I think he feels the same way because neither one of us seems to care too much about condoms at the moment. But fuck its hard to find a desire when boy keeps breaking them anyway. o.O Don't worry, next stop the pill...
Its going to hurt so bad when he breaks my heart but fuck is it going to a hell of a ride there.