Who will put an end to this great sadness?

The hours passing...


(no subject)
alone
kestrelsraven
I don't know if what I'm feeling is real. I've been really depressed the past couple weeks more so this last week because of a bad phone call with my parents on Easter, so my self-esteem is basically non-existent. I've always had kind of a sixth sense when it comes to my man being in danger of straying. There is a girl at a local convenience store and he's already told me she's flirted with him, he's told me that about other girls and I think he does it just to see my feathers ruffle and feel desired by me. We went there together yesterday and he was acting all weird, there was pleasant chatting, and when we got back to the car he had a big smile and said, 'she's always nice to me.' I can't tell if I'm reading too much into this because I'm already down. He's acting the same around me, except I think he knows something is wrong with me and he doesn't know how to help so he either gets irritated or tries to make me laugh. I've never really held back my feelings from him so I understand his irritation but I'm afraid to say anything because I think, or at least I want to think, its all in my head. Even so I don't know how to bring it up since I didn't when it happened.
On a good note, my kitty saved me from a spider... Go Super Muffin!

(no subject)
alone
kestrelsraven
I'm starting to think that live journal is for teenage me. I feel like I'm trying to reclaim something lost in my youth every time I get one here but I want to make myself update this every once in a while because I forget so easily how I feel at certain times.
My kitty has to go in to get some of her kitty parts removed... I'm sad because I feel like she will think I'm mad at her.
Turns out Jason doesn't care if he lies to me. Its over things that are really stupid but I don't think I can get it through to him how important it is for him to understand this point. I won't be with someone I can't trust and I won't wait 5 years for someone to change. I really hope this is the last of this problem.

(no subject)
alone
kestrelsraven
I'm in my new place. I love it. Its a bitch to heat and I'm nervous about my first gas bill but during the summer I doubt I'll have much to pay out for electric or gas.
My living room looks bare, its so huge and it doesn't have enough furniture in it but there will be more in a few days when we finish moving Jason in. I wish all this would have been taken care of earlier so I didn't have to deal with moving when there is snow and ice on the ground but at least most of it is taken care of.
I want to finish the house, like painting and minor repairs but every time I bring up something Jason shoots it down saying we have to wait for spring which ticks me off. He's probably right but still I don't like not getting my way, though I shouldn't knock the guy, he did get under the house to run wire this weekend and I really hope he doesn't get sick.
The best thing is I have my kitties. Pepperjack Cheese who likes to hide behind the couch but rolls around like a puppy when you pet him and Muffin who will come up to me and snuggle until she decides its time to eat my hand. Come spring I'm going to get a puppy but right now I don't want to have to house train a puppy when its below freezing outside.
The bad thing is I'm reaching that point in my relationship with Jason that I want to push him away from me because I'm convinced he's eventually going to hurt me or leave me. Which is stupid. Especially with him because not only is he eager to move in with me but he keeps talking about future stuff. Like stuff to do to the house which wouldn't be in his possession if we broke up. He even wants to pay off the house along with his car whenever he gets his settlement. Its sweet but I feel like he keeps throwing commitments at me that we're eventually going to regret. I think a lot of it is I don't feel like I deserve him. He's a lot better looking than me, he's a hard worker, he can fix almost anything around the house, he doesn't usually get frustrated with my moods... I could go on. The only thing that bothers me about him is we have different morals, he's a good guy for the most part but there are somethings we disagree on. The bottom line is I really don't feel like I deserve him and I worry that the only reason he's really interested in me for is my stability.
It bothers me that he seems to love me so much and it bothers me that his family has accepted me so readily like we've been together for a lot longer. My mom even seems to be into our relationship. I thinks its because the first time I talked to her after Jason and I got together she said I sounded so happy, maybe she thinks he's good for me. He probably is.

Fucking Adorable
default
kestrelsraven
Being homeless is losing its novelty. At least until I get that antsy run-away feeling. Its been nagging me lately and I think its affecting how I act towards Jason. I feel bad for... but then I usually feel bad for those in my web.
Leigh is going to be moving soon so I'll lose my place close to work. I was hoping to get all this settled before she moved in with Tom but I its really getting down to the wire now. I'm probably going to end up staying at Jason's until I close. Next week won't be that big of a deal because I'll spend most of it at his house anyway being holidays and therefore no work, the week after might be slow on work to so it might not be as bad as I'm thinking.
The only good thing with everything taking so long is now I won't be in overtime and I'll be able to focus a lot of attention on nesting.
I'm still worried that I haven't had my period yet. It wouldn't bother me normally, I've never been regular but I feel so out of wack with my body lately and my blood pressure is really fucked. I took the test but that doesn't negate how stupid I've been with the lack of condom thing.
*sigh*
I'm tired of my life being on hold. Hopefully next week will give me the results I need to move on.

(no subject)
kill
kestrelsraven
At times I think should I discover that I am really a robot... I wouldn't be too surprised.

(no subject)
stitches
kestrelsraven
At Jason's until I go back to work tomorrow.
Watched him get drunk last night.. not as drunk as I was last weekend though.  He's an "I love you" drunk and its adorable.
I love listening to sad country music with him in his old beat up pick up.
He says aint too much and its delightful.

I believe I'm getting an ulcer.
Fucking banks.
I want to live in Alma.

(no subject)
default
kestrelsraven
He calms me.
I'm not entirely sure how he does it and granted he's never seen me at my worst but he calms me.  He seems to know when I need him to joke with me or give me encouragement. 
On the other hand I spazzed out all day while thinking only of waiting for his phone call so I could find my center once again.

I'm having difficulty with this moving stuff.  I really don't know what I'm doing.  I have so much crap I don't know how to get it from one place to the next and I'm just so caught up in it that I don't know what to do.
Jason says to wait for him to get here tomorrow so he can help me sort through it all.

I think underneath all my anxiety associated with the moving I'm worried about him finally coming over to my place, like I'm letting him inside a part of me that I haven't let him see yet and I'm afraid he'll turn away.
I have so much fear of him leaving me its pathetic and I know it but I can't help it.  I don't think I felt this way with anyone else.  Afraid yes, of course, I'm too dependent to even try to play it any other way.  But this fear feels like its leeching into my very soul.  With Ethan the pain came more after he pulled away and maybe that's part of it, just too many past hurts that I'm forcing myself to feel bits and pieces of the pain now so I don't have to be overwhelmed later. 
There is this one house we both saw online that is really nice, really cheap and really big.  Logically there has to be something wrong with this house but we talked about how much I like the look of it but that it was just too much space and he keeps telling me he could make me pop out some kids to fill it.  I laugh, he laughs, but I love that he likes the idea of me being that in his life.  I want to cuddle him desperately but I have to wait until tomorrow when he gets off work and comes to see me.  He should be out here around 6 and I just pray I have my house presentable by that time.  I don't want him to see what depression has made me live in for the past couple years.

(no subject)
stitches
kestrelsraven
I have no reason, no reason whatsoever other than in condemnation for other's deeds.  Even knowing this, knowing the logic of how difficult or anything really.  My ability to trust is so shaken.  Odd that I didn't have this feeling of absolute fear (fear yes, but to this degree, no)  with any dom but then that was physical trust, this is emotional.  I can handle something bad happening to my body, I've done bad enough to myself to make that point somewhat mute, but I really don't know how I could survive more heart ache.
Why does my heart break before its time?
Is it just intuition and paranoia that drives me to start the process early so when the real hurt comes it won't be as bad?
Of course. 
Why do I question my motives when they're so painfully obvious...
I try to blank my mind and not think about or at least not show my discomfort.  Like I said, he's done nothing to deserve this distrust but be with me.  But I just want to enjoy myself, enjoy him and the times we have.
My hope is that overtime (see my optimism with my belief there is an overtime, I can have pleasant thoughts) I will get over this fear.  I just need someone who is patient... or pitifully oblivious ^_^... either way works I suppose.
Until then he is sweet and being with him has done a lot of good for my social anxiety.  We are going to a party tonight that my friends are throwing and this will be the real test.  Its easy being on his arm or sometimes tagging along with someone else but I have to be the one to make introductions and guide him.  I'm nervous.. I hope the nervousness doesn't get the better of me.  I think I'll survive it.  I just hope he has fun and likes my peeps and vice versa.  I hope he has fun.  I hope I have fun too.


old and new
kitchen
kestrelsraven
I got bored today and started cruising around on myspace looking up old friends, old enemies, the boy I used to have a crush on who I still somehow find dreamy in that way that takes you back to a time in your life when everything was somehow so much simpler but so much harder as well.  Maybe it's my impending trip back home or my new honey taking me with him while he rediscovered his past but I felt somehow nostalgic.  Its not like this is the first time I've done it but I think its the first time I've really looked at the life I left behind.  I've fallen back and forth between regretting my decision to uproot myself over and over again but mostly I've been content with my choice.  Even now when things are probably the highest they've been for me in a long while I still wonder.  I think about the people and how five years could have affected relationships and me in general.  How my emotional and psychological problems would have evolved.  Would it have been easier?  I would have had more time for therapy.  I wouldn't have been through the heaven and hell Michael and I went through.  Would my staying have affected the lives I'm looking at now?  Being perpetually convinced of my absolute uselessness on the world around me would I have been able to change lives?  Probably, but mostly just in the sense that things would have had to be different to work around my being there, not because of any real consistant quality of my existence.

Enough of that...

I know I'm pathetic in this but I'm so happy I smile and I really don't care that the only reason is because I met a new boy.  His name is Jason.  He's gigantically tall and unpleasantly skinnier than me, he does little things that light up my day, he sweats a lot, is bad with money though he does try really hard not to be, loves to cuddle and play, has actually called himself a wigger, has taught me the meaning of the words making love, has abondment issues like me so I almost feel safe.  He also has a temper I have yet to have seen which worries me.  Not that I'm worried he'd take it out on me but the novelty of bailing someone out of jail after a drunken bar fight wears off fast.
I want to marry him and have his babies.  Stupidly I think he feels the same way because neither one of us seems to care too much about condoms at the moment.  But fuck its hard to find a desire when boy keeps breaking them anyway.  o.O  Don't worry, next stop the pill...
Its going to hurt so bad when he breaks my heart but fuck is it going to a hell of a ride there.

(no subject)
Dopamine
kestrelsraven
There is that moment, that stopping of the heart, when breath escapes and for just that moment you live, you breath, you exist only because of and for that one, that other, the other half.  Then breath comes back, quickly, unforgiving and with desperation on its heels because you feel that other half slip away and you cling fervently trying to regain some control, force it to fit, trim the edges and smooth it out because it has to fit, this time, dear god, if there is a god let it fit.  You know the consequences if it doesn't.  The wrenching and the pain and if possible worse than the pain the fear that leaves you cowering in a dark closet while the monsters stalk outside the door waiting for their chance to reach in and tear you to pieces again and again just like they have in the past, just like you know they will now and forever more. 

?

Log in